I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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