Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
