i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
