True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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