WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
