just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize