I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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