Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
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