I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
