Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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