I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
