A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
