Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize