I bet he comes in French.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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