creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
