On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Less talking, more tequila
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
