She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
