Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
