saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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