tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
