I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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