Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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