you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
