$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
In America we eat man semen.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
