My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
