the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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