I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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