did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
