i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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