yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize