cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Mom said you looked used
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
