What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
