she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
