I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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