I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
