I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
