how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
