I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
