Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize