she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
