college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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