Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
