Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize