so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
