the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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