I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
