how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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