i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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