cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
