The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize