Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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