I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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