talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
