sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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