I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize