I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize