I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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