Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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