dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
