How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
