I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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