He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
