chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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