did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
