i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize