I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
