You smell like stripper and shame
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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