I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Where is the hickey?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
